School, Fitness, Work, Family, And A Miscarriage

    Last night I was having some very horrible cramps. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was having a miscarriage. Today I woke up to find that my period had came once again. I can't help feeling very sad and responsible. I feel like I killed our baby. I know I wasn't sure if I was pregnant, but I feel in my heart that I was.
  I told my fiance that I started my period, then I went in the bathroom and cried. I feel very ashamed. I told many people I was pregnant, and then I couldn't carry my baby to term. I want another child so badly, but I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling disappointed every month because I am not pregnant. This is my first miscarriage that I know of. I have been cramping for two days and I am ready for the pain to go away so I can just return back to normal. I should have known it wouldn't have been this easy.
  All I can do is pray to God that he gives me another beautiful child. On another note; I have gotten two interviews set up this week. One interview is for an assistant teacher position, the other is for a teller at a bank. I am not sure which job I should go with if I get accepted for them both. I really think its time for me to put my son in school, and that job would be perfect. I could put him in head start while I work, filling satisfied that I can check on him when I need to.  On the other hand the bank job may pay more and be more hours. Now that I am typing it out the school job sounds like the better deal because I could still spend time with my son.

  Also, I really need to start working out again. I need to throw myself into work,school, family, and athletic hobbies to keep myself productive. I am also making a vow right now to wake up earlier each do. I will wake up at 9:00 each morning. I need to learn how to cook healthier food for my family as well. I should only buy foods that are not processed. My fiance is a boxer and is very fit and healthy. I need to do the same for myself. I need to become fit and to keep making positive choices in my life. I feel like a bump on a log right now. Maybe everything is happening to me for a reason. So I can see what I want in life and so I can keep moving forward.  Maybe I can finally decide what I want to do with my life and get to a place where I am happy with myself.
  I am going to school to be a nurse but I no longer feel like that is my calling. I want to go to school for journalism. Unfortunately, they don't have any school around where I live for that. Maybe I can just become an English major and go from their. I want to be a writer. This is what I love doing, and I will do it, even if it is just on the side while I am in nursing school.
  All I know is I want to be productive and I want to provide for my family the best way that I can.I want to move forward with my life, and I want to expand my family. I want to have my daughter and when the time is right, I believe God will answer my prayers and give me the angel I have always dreamt of. All I really know how to do is keep moving forward with my life and hope that everything falls into place.

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